Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
