So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
