Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
