Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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