atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
