he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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