my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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