my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
