I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
