Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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