I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
