these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
