dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
