First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
