So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
