Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
