My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
