Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
