Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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