god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
