All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
