I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
