my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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