Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
