If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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