She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
