Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
