I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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