For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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