do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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