new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
