me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
