i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
