nut hugger
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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