I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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