Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
