I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
