I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
