i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
