My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
