i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
