and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
