I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Randomize
