U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
