I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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