I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
