She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
