Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
