She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
