I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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