i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
